I always have the chance to not repost it or to take it down. When you advertise something on Craigslist it has to be renewed once a week. Did I want to sell it? Did I want to keep it? The anxiety is so real. Today a very nice woman came to look at it and decided to buy it. I have received three e-mails in the past week. You decide that you want to sell it and you put it up for sale and then it is sold. Each time I purge though, I feel I get a little closer to this goal in my life. I have a long way to go before I can release emotional attachment to my belongings. Everything including myself and the house feels so much lighter. It also reminds me of how valued and treasured I was by this very good man. When I am feeling sad or a bit down it is good to have a visual reminder of how much I am loved and cared for. It helps me to remember what a special person Jim was and how significant and good our relationship was. As of right now I have not sat and read all of them. I also have a box of letters and cards that Jim sent to me. Who I am today is a direct result of being in such a fine relationship for 22 years. Every time I speak of him and our relationship, I am expressing the depth of caring and fun we had together. Why? I don’t need the physical cards to remember the specialness of the relationship. Now I have discarded the letters and cards, except for a handful. When I feel safe and loved this trait is released into the world more.
Jim brought out a playfulness and joy in me. My humor developed over the course of our relationship and even if it is off color, I exhibit that humor more often now than I ever have before. Some of the cards were funny and punny. This is not how I would describe myself to anyone, ever, in my whole life. I did not seem to have any fear of not being accepted for who I am. Both of us were emotionally and intellectually honest one hundred percent of the time. As I read, I realized how quickly we knew that we were ready to commit for the long run. Some of the poems were not too bad and some were corny and amateurish. I have always considered myself as more of a story teller. I know you might be surprised to hear me say this, being that I have been blogging for 2 1/2 years. I really never thought of myself as a writer. I would like to share a few of these with you. These letters and cards also held some surprises for me. I needed their stability three years ago. They immediately reminded me that no matter what I am family. I know it sounds awful but when awful things happen the mind plays incredible tricks. The night Jim died I asked them if I would ever hear from them again. They follow my adventures and call or e-mail. They have continued to be a presence in my life. This Christmas I will be going to Jim’s family for a couple of nights. I do hope though that one day I might feel festive about the holidays and see the lights blinking again and here the Borg and Mr Spock expressing their own brand of holiday wishes. This year I did think about getting the ornaments out but then decided, once again, it wasn’t worth the effort. Often the holidays go by without too much notice. More than likely it is part of the grief process. It is not sadness or depression that makes me feel this way. Since Jim’s death I have not felt too much like celebrating Christmas. It was a tradition that suited us both and I loved it. My two favorites are the Borg Cube that says “Merry Christmas, resistance is futile” and Mr Spock saying “Shuttle craft to Enterprise, shuttle craft to Enterprise, Spock here, Happy Holidays, live long and prosper”. We hung them all from several strings over my desk in the main part of the house. Every year Jim would come home with the new ornament. Several years ago Hallmark started to make Star Trek ornaments, a new one each Christmas. We are or were, Star Trek fans from way back, before we knew each other. 
Here is probably a little known fact about Jim and myself. We decided it was more fun to just be with the people we loved and who loved us. It was hard as all of us grew older to know what each other wanted. It went from gifts for everyone to one Pollyanna gift to none. We did buy presents and visit family until we wearied of it. Jim and I were not ones to get too excited about the holidays. Do I have a tree? Is it real or fake? Do I buy presents or not? Do I visit family or not? Do I go to any the events around this holiday or am I one to stay home and not participate? What is this all about anyway? Traditions are strong at this time of the year.
0 kommentar(er)
